Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
