I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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