I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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