Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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