We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
