her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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