Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize