I smell stomach acid.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
