They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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