I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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