A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
