First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
