this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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