Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
