Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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