Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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