omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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