I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
