It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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