some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
