So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
