Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he was CRYING into my vagina
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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