May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
