Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
