Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
