On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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