Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
