so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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