i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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