Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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