something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
