she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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