so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
