sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
