So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
