If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
