I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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