38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
