Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
