It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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