I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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