my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
