Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
