I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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