I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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