If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
