The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
