So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Randomize
