Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
