plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
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Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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