Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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