i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
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You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.