Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
