Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
