as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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