DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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