i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
