just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
