just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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